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Amores tóxicos - Comuna Mujer
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Amores tóxicos

Amores tóxicos
Muchas personas, han estado en relaciones tóxicas y aún habiendo terminado la/s misma/s, se siguen sintiendo mal. Otras personas (tanto para el varón, como para la mujer), están en relaciones tóxicas y no lo saben: están pasando y sintiéndose mal.

Cuando uno de los miembros llega a terapia y una le pregunta: “¿cómo es tu relación?” y la respuesta es: “normal”, ahí como psicóloga pregunto: “¿qué es normal?” y veo como el destrato, el maltrato y la indiferencia (que es otra forma de destrato), han sido “normalizados”. 

Es probable que se piense que así son las relaciones, porque probablemente así también lo vivieron en su hogar parental... incluso, muchas veces, no conocen otra forma de vincularse.

Finalmente tenemos un grupo de personas que sabe que su relación es tóxica pero no puede, o no se animan, a terminar con la misma: “contigo estoy mal, pero sin ti, estoy peor…”.

Después de leer este artículo, espero que puedas saber si estás o no en una relación tóxica... o lo que es lo mismo: en una relación que es dañina para ti y que te trae más dolor que felicidad.

¿Cuándo una relación es tóxica?


- Cuando la relación está basada en la tensión. Si bien hay momentos de luna de miel, la mayoría no lo son y sufres, te sientes mal y no sabes por qué. 

- Sientes una presión en el pecho.

- Has intentado salir de la relación, pero no puedes.

- Sabes que te lastima, pero buscas cada vez más su compañía, su aprobación.

- Intentas no decir algo "incorrecto", para que él o ella no se enojen. Aunque no sabes qué es lo correcto o incorrecto, ya que todo depende de su humor.

- Sientes que no puedes vivir sin esta relación.

- Has dejado tus intereses y gustos de lado, en función de sus gustos, su interés, anulándote como persona... tratando de agradar a la otra persona, sin lograrlo.

- Has perdido tu autoestima.

- En una relación es fundamental la admiración hacia la pareja: pero tú no la admiras, sino que la idolatras y endiosas, permitiéndole un montón de cosas que racionalmente me dirías que jamás tolerarías... pero lo haces para no perderla. Esto te lleva a perderte a ti mismo/a, como veremos más adelante.

Ejercicio: si yo te pidiera que tomaras un almanaque y marcaras con un círculo los días que has pasado mal, ya sea porque has sido violentado/a física o verbalmente... o incluso a través de la indiferencia (ya que si tu pareja no te ha hablado durante un día, semana o hasta meses, también se considera una forma de destrato), ¿qué dirías? Nada de esto es normal en una relación... esto enferma, lastima y daña tu autoestima. Observa y verás que la mayoría de tus días, están marcados con un círculo.

Podríamos hablar que ser dependiente de una relación, ya la convierte en tóxica y por ende, lo que hay es una Adicción al Amor, a la relación y hasta se ven los mismos síntomas que en una adicción... e incluso, el tratamiento es básicamente el mismo.

En en una relación sana, una persona DESEA estar con otra... en una relación tóxica, la persona NECESITA esta relación. Aclaremos que nadie necesita a otra persona para ser feliz o existir: eso es un error cognitivo... o sea, de pensamiento... ¡a trabajar para corregir!

De forma similar a lo que ocurre en la adicción a drogas, se reconoce el síndrome de abstinencia, marcado por el bajo autocontrol.

Desear es bueno, amar es bueno... pero sentir que necesitamos, es malo y es lo que te vuelve adicto... y provoca el síndrome de abstinencia: sabes que la relación es dañina, pero igual que un adicto, intentas dejarlo pero no lo logras. Tu cuerpo, tu mente te lo piden y has perdido el autocontrol.

La idea no es dejar de desear, sino tener control para elegir cosas buenas en nuestras vidas y dilatar una gratificación inmediata por otra, a largo plazo. Prefieres esas migajas de cariño (o ni siquiera cariño), para no asumir la responsabilidad de tu vida. Te dices cosas como: “al menos no estoy solo/a”, “duermo con alguien”, “peor sería ser soltero”.

¿Estás seguro o segura de que no estás solo? ¿Acaso no estás viviendo una soledad de dos en compañía? Serás tú quien tenga que descubrirlo…

Hasta la próxima entrega.


Viviana Vaisenberg

Terapeuta Cognitiva Comportamental
www.terapiaonline.com.uy

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